Hilarious Dane Cook Quotes That are Guaranteed To Make You Laugh

Dane Cook quote on opening up the soul
He may be considered wacky, obnoxious or weird; but Dane Cook's popularity knows no bounds. The quotes by him in this article will tell you why.
Dane Cook is America's most loved (and hated!) stand-up comedian. While some may consider him rude, vulgar or politically incorrect at times, the truth is, in the world of comedy today, these are the ways to get yourself noticed. This is what a majority of the audience is looking for and it is this audience that rewards Dane Cook with peals and peals of laughter at every show.
Dane Cook has made 5 super-successful comedy albums that have been at the top of the Billboard's Top Comedy Albums Charts.
  1. Harmful If Swallowed - 2003
  2. Retaliation - 2005
  3. Rough Around the Edges: Live from Madison Square Garden - 2007
  4. Isolated Incident - 2009
  5. I Did My Best: Greatest Hits Album - 2010
Here, we enlist some of his best quotes; funny, hilarious and somber. Enjoy them!
Boy with ice cream on face
I saw a young boy eating an ice cream cone...I smashed it in his face. You know that kid is going to remember me when he's 50. ~ Dane Cook
✦ If you have to be at work at 8, it's always like, 7:54. Just enough time to do nothing. To just lie there and go, "I can't do anything! I can't even have an English muffin!"

✦ Has anyone here ever been fully engulfed in fire? It's gotta be so hot!

✦ Listening to Evanescence makes me want to break up with a girl in real time as a giant antique hourglass falls to the floor in slow motion.

✦ It's hard dealing with day to day disappointments & feeling like you can't find success. Especially when your best friend is Pixar.

✦ Nice teeth are a turn on for me. If you open your mouth and it looks like a battle of epic proportions, I don't like it.

✦ I hate it when somebody turns around in my driveway. You're just sitting comfortably watching T.V., you hear a car pulling up like, "Who is this?!" It's so disruptive you look out, strange car; you don't know if it's a Government official. You start getting concerned "What, I don't know this car," then they turn to leave you're like, "You son of a bitch, you wasted moments of my life! Moments I will never get back!

✦ You must accept responsibility for your actions. This doesn't include reactions, interactions or transactions if you're thinkin' loophole.

✦ Created a word game to play with a person you're fighting with. Silent Treatment. Nothing happens until 1 of you quietly says, "Hey, you hungry?"

✦ When you swear to God, it's true. Right now God is watching and saying, "This is true."

✦ On stage I am the actor, director and the bouncer all at the same time. Fear does not exist in this dojo does it? No Sensei! Sorry... when I get excited I have to toss in some Karate Kid quotes.

✦ You know what I'd like to be able to do more than anything else? I'd love to be able to shoot spaghetti out of my fingertips. *Pppthhh.* 'Cause no one wants to be covered in spaghetti. No. If I'm on a date with a girl and she's very rude I'd be like, you know what? *PPpptthhh* Enjoy your spaghetti, you're very rude. Enjoy your spaghetti, 'cause you're rude. *Pppttthh*... these are all dreams...
Man with a drink
I just mixed a 5 hour energy drink with some sleepy time tea. Let's see who wins this battle. ~ Dane Cook
✦ I don't hate anyone. I simply block them out using hellish visions in a blind white rage. But if I see them out I'm pleasant.

✦ It's easy to point the finger at someone else & place blame. Go ahead try it it's fun. Pick anyone & start blame placing the shit outta them.

✦ I've been ignoring my feelings lately. That works pretty well. Might also settle for less this week, just to try it out.

✦ You need to open up your soul and have a weep-a-thon.

✦ I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say, "Why not me?
Man pointing
Sometimes, when you want to make a difference in a person's life, stay out of it. ~ Dane Cook
✦ ...ah, what am I supposed to say to an atheist when he sneezes, ah, when you die nothing happens...

✦ ...I'm not racist, I've got a black president...

✦ I have a new saying, what I see in Vegas, I am telling everybody.

✦ I don't know if I could kill someone with a frozen turkey because that is a lot of evidence to eat....unless I found a whole room of people who also wanted that person dead.

✦ You're with someone for like 2 weeks in and you're like, "F***, no way. I can't stand this person. I'll stay around for 5-6 years and we can end this thing violently, I got time."

✦ Dear semi-hot girl taking photos on a boat. It's not your boat so stop acting like you own it. You drive a used Civic.
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