Funny monologues have been an integral part of acting, drama and movies. Here’s a look at some real rib-ticklers.
If you’ve been to a play, drama, or watched a comedy film, you are bound to remember some lines from it that still get you into splits. More often than not, these are uninterrupted monologues or soliloquy, which the character may be delivering to the audience, or could just be talking to himself. So, if you want to experiment with comedy, or simply want to entertain your guests, the monologues given below could just do the trick for you.
Monologues for Women
“As You Like It”
Plot – Here is a young maiden, Phebe’s description of her newfound love — Ganymede — to her friend, Silvius, who’s secretly in love with her. The funny bit of this Shakespearean classic is the fact that Phebe tries hard to disguise her love for Ganymede in the form of the challenge letter that she wants to send to him via Silvius.
Protagonist – Phebe
Think not I love him, though I ask for him; ‘Tis but a peevish boy; yet he talks well. But what care I for words? Yet words do well, when he that speaks them pleases those that hear. It is a pretty youth; not very pretty; But sure he’s proud; and yet his pride becomes him. He’ll make a proper man. The best thing in him is his complexion; and faster than his tongue did make offense, his eye did heal it up. He is not very tall; yet for his year’s he’s tall. His leg is but so so; and yet ’tis well. There was a pretty redness in his lip, a little riper and more lusty red than that mixed in his cheek; ’twas just the difference betwixt the constant red and mingled damask. There be some women, Silvius, had they marked him in parcels as I did, would have gone near to fall in love with him; but, for my part, I love him not nor hate him not; and yet I have more cause to hate him than to love him; for what had he to do to chide at me? He said mine eyes were black and my hair black; and, now I am rememb’red, scorned at me. I marvel why I answered not again. But that’s all one; omittance is no quittance. I’ll write to him a very taunting letter, and thou shalt bear it. Wilt thou, Silvius?
“Curse of the Pharaoh’s Kiss”
Plot – Trapped in the tomb of an Egyptian pharaoh’s tomb, Veronica Melville tries to get rid of her boredom by describing her ‘perfect man’ to a sailor, Rodney Gunther, whom she just met. Her description makes this monologue a fun one for women.
Protagonist – Veronica
What do I look for in a man? Oh, what every simple woman wants, I suppose. A man who is kind, and who is honest, unless of course his honesty would be unkind, then he should be diplomatic, but still firm, both in integrity and physique. He should be devilishly handsome and angelically humble. And whether it be the rolling seas or the towering skyscrapers, he should love his work, and love it even more when he rushes home to ask how my day has been. The sort of man who can laugh fondly at a memorial service, shed a tear at a wedding, and cry openly after making passionate love. As a lover we would be gentle but rough, ruggedly soft yet delicately rigid. He loves the great outdoors, animals, large families, and pasta. He enjoys wearing sweaters, despises the color aqua-marine, and eats pineapple for breakfast every Sunday morning. He whistles showtunes, donates spare change to organ grinder monkeys, and makes a wish during every lunar eclipse. He has never known the pain of a broken heart, nor has he ever sprained his wrist while moving furniture, though he does suffer from tennis elbow and he gets dreadfully angry at crossword puzzles, and he has the sweetest smile in the entire world. (Pause.) Oh, and he’s rich.
Monologues for Men
“The Doctor in Spite of Himself”
Plot – Sganarelle, an intelligent woodcutter, is mistaken to be a doctor, and everyone seems to throng to him with their problems. Here’s his witty and absolutely hilarious monologue, describing his current state, and at the same time, taking a dig at a doctor’s profession.
Protagonist – Sganarelle
No, I tell you; they made a doctor of me in spite of myself. I had never dreamt of being so learned as that, and all my studies came to an end in the lowest form. I can’t imagine what put that whim into their heads; but when I saw that they were resolved to force me to be a doctor, I made up my mind to be one at the expense of those I might have to do with. Yet you would hardly believe how the error has spread abroad, and how everyone is obstinately determined to see a great doctor in me. They come to fetch me from right and left; and if things go on in that fashion, I think I had better stick to physic all my life. I find it the best of trades; for, whether we are right or wrong, we are paid equally well. We are never responsible for the bad work, and we cut away as we please in the stuff we work on. A shoe maker in making shoes can’t spoil a scrap of leather without having to pay for it, but we can spoil a man without paying one farthing for the damage done. The blunders are not ours, and the fault is always that of the dead man. In short, the best part of this profession is, that there exists among the dead an honesty, a discretion that nothing can surpass; and never as yet has one been known to complain of the doctor who had killed him.
(Unknown)
Plot – Kevin’s girlfriend, Maria, recently broke up with him because he didn’t meet her, and was at Stephenie’s house. Stephenie is their batchmate and a friend of Kevin’s. Here is how Kevin tries to explain the scene to Maria and makes a total mess of it. Have fun reading this hilarious monologue for men.
Protagonist – Kevin
Hey Maria. Oh C’mon dear. Can’t I talk to you for just a minute? Look, I know I was a jerk (beat). Okay, a major jerk. I mean 100% jerk. And I really don’t blame you for dumping me. Well, just a little. More than a little. Joke – Joke, that was a joke! I’m seriously sorry for not coming to you last weekend. But I did that because, you know, Stephenie was not well. I mean I’m not her care taker. I mean the real reason is. Well, I’ll tell you. The real reason is she was lonely, all alone. Well, not because what you think. Wait! Wait Maria! She was lonely because she broke up with John, she was getting into depression. She promised me a good time. Wait Maria, that was what I didn’t mean. I didn’t sleep with her. She didn’t want to. Okay, what I’m saying? I mean we both didn’t want to. Hold up! Well, we’re just friends. Well, I want to say that she wanted me to spend the night and I wanted to be with her. Not be with her, but be alongside her, as a friend, just as a friend. Maria, you’re getting me, baby. Listen, this is all coming out to be wrong. I love you, Maria. I mean LOVE begins with you and doesn’t end on you! Well, that means you’ve taught me the meaning of love, it’s expanding, always. Maria, Maria, wait.. (Maria listens and then moves back) don’t leave….Maria..it’s just coming wrong…I don’t know why…
Monologues for Teens
“Tommy Boy”
Plot – A Sophomore in high school, Tommy, is a fun-loving lad, who absolutely loves to hang out with his pals. He, however, is very shy when it comes to interacting with the opposite sex. Here’s a monologue of him talking to his friend, Ivan, as they wait for the bus.
Protagonist – Tommy
Dude, you’ll never believe what happened to me today. It all started when I woke up this morning. You know usually I press the snooze button about four or five times…but today was different, when I heard the alarm, I just sprang out of bed and said to myself, “Today is going to be a great day!” I don’t know why I said it, but I was feeling great! I got in the shower and found myself humming a cool song I heard the day before. While I was combing my hair in the mirror, I noticed that not only was it a great hair day, but my skin seemed different too….alive and glowing, and no it wasn’t that new acne cream I’d been using…it was LIFE! So instead of dragging around, I threw on my clothes and headed out. When I got on the bus, the girls seemed to look at me differently. I thought maybe it was my confidence, or the hair, but then I thought who the heck cares, they were looking at me! So I looked back at them and they giggled. I was on top of the world! I went and got a seat in the back of the bus…then it came to me, I had a presentation due in first period… I wasn’t about to let that ruin my day. I knew the material and I was on a roll. A few moments later, walking down the hallway, it was like a movie, almost every group of girls turned to look at me, it started to become really spooky actually. My next thought was, with my luck, I should be playing lottery. I got to my first period class and sat down. It’s almost like I could feel Jamie, that hottie that sits behind me in class, staring at the back of my head…It felt great! And of course, I was called first to read my presentation to the class, so I strolled up to the front of the room with a gleaming smile…I actually winked at this girl who snickered at me in the front row…man was I getting bold! I couldn’t help myself though, this never happened to me before, it was like a dream, and right when I was getting ready to start my presentation, the teacher called me aside…I thought I’d gone too far with the winking, but decided not to lose my cool and casually stroll over to her to receive my reprimand. Dude, when she started talking to me, my stomach dropped to my feet, like I was on a fast roller coaster ride, and I could feel my face turning as white as a ghost. It was like the whole day flashed before my eyes. Well I thanked the teacher anyway, turned away from the class, swallowed my pride and zipped-up my fly.
“Bandana Mania”
Plot – Stephanie is Jayna’s friend, who has just moved in next door. They both come from very different backgrounds; Jayna has lived in the city all her life, while Stephanie comes from a quiet countryside. Here’s Jayna giving her friend some fashion advice for her first day of school.
Protagonist – Jayna
Stephanie, are you crazy! You can’t wear that around here…Where do you think you are, the “St. Mary’s School for Girls”, cutie, you’re downtown now. You can’t wear that bandana around your ankle, like some little fashion accessory! You’ll get us both killed! (beat) Yeah it looks great…but sorry…you’re not wearing it. You’ll see a lot of kids around here wearing bandanas on their heads and it’s not because it goes with their shirt. They are like signs of association and sources of pride, or somehting like that…oh, and good luck if you DON’T happen to be familiar with, “The Code”. Oh man, and heaven forbid you put a wrong color on, or wear it because it’s cute…you could get yourself messed-up! Yesterday, I thought I’d have a little fun and wear that bandana my little brother gave me, with the good ole Red, White, and Blue, United States Flag printed on it…You should have seen the looks on their faces, they didn’t know whether to throw me a peace sign or beat me up…but you can forget about it, I’m not wearing enough under arm deodorant to try that stunt again today, so please, just take it off!
“Confused Teen”
Plot – Angie is a teenage girl going through a lot of changes physically, and just can’t seem to see how these would possibly help her in life. Here’s a monologue she has with her friend, Harmony, about the many ‘challenges’ in her life.
Protagonist – Angie
What’s going on Harmony? I don’t get it, why is it when you become a teenager everything gets so confusing? I mean, what are they doing, spiking the make-up? Is there some unwritten law that when you become a teenager you move into the realm of insanity? If I remember correctly, that’s about the time everything started getting nutty. Think about it…I’m supposed to wash my face BEFORE I exercise to prevent build-up. No, I’m supposed to wash my face AFTER I exercise to prevent break-outs. I’m NOT SUPPOSED to eat chocolate because it causes pimples. Wait, I’m SUPPOSED to eat chocolate before I take a test, because it’s great, “brain food.” I’m SUPPOSED to have lots of foods hat are rich in iron to help my circulation. Hold on, now, I’m NOT SUPPOSED to have a lot of iron because it prevents my body from absorbing calcium properly. Wow, if I can survive being a confused teenager, I think I can pretty much survive anything! (Change of heart) Let’s get out of here, I’m hungry!
Funny Monologues from Movies
Hitch (2005)
Plot – Alex ‘Hitch’ Hicthens is a ‘date doctor’ to the guys, who just can’t seem to profess their love for their belle. Here’s his rather witty monologue about his job, and about women in general.
Protagonist – Alex
Basic Principles – no woman wakes up saying “God, I hope I don’t get swept off my feet today!” Now, she might say “This is a really bad time for me,” or something like “I just need some space,” or my personal favorite “I’m really into my career right now.” You believe that? Neither does she. You know why? ‘Cause she’s lying to you, that’s why. You understand me? Lying! It’s not a bad time for her. She doesn’t need any space. And she may be into her career, but what she’s really saying is “Uh, get away from me now,” or possibly “Try harder, stupid,” but which one is it? 60% of all human communication is non-verbal, body language; 30% is your tone, so that means 90% of what you’re saying ain’t coming out of your mouth. Of course she’s going to lie to you! She’s a nice person! She doesn’t want to hurt your feelings! What else she going to say? She doesn’t even know you… yet. Luckily, the fact is that just like the rest of us, even a beautiful woman doesn’t know what she wants until she sees it, and that’s where I come in. My job is to open her eyes. Basic Principles – no matter what, no matter when, no matter who… any man has a chance to sweep any woman off her feet; he just needs the right broom.
High Fidelity (2000)
Plot – Rob Gordon is a record-store owner, going through a mid-life crisis. Here’s one of his funny monologues, where he seems to have a million questions about everything around.
Protagonist – Rob
What came first, the music or the misery? People worry about kids playing with guns, or watching violent videos, that some sort of culture of violence will take them over. Nobody worries about kids listening to thousands, literally thousands of songs about heartbreak, rejection, pain, misery and loss. Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I listened to pop music?
Election (1990)
Plot – Tammy Metzler is a Senior in high school, where her good friend and classmate — Tracy Flick — is running for class president in the school election. Here is a rather interesting monologue between Tammy and God.
Protagonist -Tammy
Dear God, I know I don’t believe in you, but since I’ll be starting catholic school soon, I thought I should at least practice. Let’s see. What do I want? I want Lisa to realize what a b*tch she is and feel really bad and apologize for how she hurt me and know how much I still love her. In spite of everything, I still want Paul to win the election tomorrow, not that c*nt Tracy. Oh, and I also want a really expensive pair of leather pants and someday, I wanna be really good friends with Madonna. Love, Tammy.
Home Alone (1990)
Plot – Kevin McCallister is an 8-year old kid, who accidentally gets left behind at home, while the rest of the family is off to France for Christmas. Here’s a monologue of Kevin, as he talks to himself in the mirror.
Protagonist – Kevin
I took a shower washing every body part with actual soap, including all my major crevices, including in between my toes and in my belly button which I never did before but sort of enjoyed. I washed my hair with adult formula shampoo and used cream rinse for that just-washed shine. I can’t seem to find my toothbrush, so I’ll pick one up when I go out today. Other than that, I’m in good shape.
With the right body language and voice modulation to go with it, these are bound to get you a rousing applause.
