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48 Best Rodney Dangerfield One-liners to Make You Die Laughing

48 Best Rodney Dangerfield One-liners
Rodney Dangerfield, one of the best comedians we know of, can make you roll in aisles with his humor! It was not just in his words, but also in his expressions and the way he said it. He is not with us anymore, but he will always be in our hearts! He left behind millions of smiles all over the world. We bestow Rodney Dangerfield one-liners on you, so you can burst out laughing and share this happiness with others too!
Christina Andrew
Last Updated: Jun 3, 2018
A Good Samaritan
Rodney was not just a great comedian, but also a writer and actor. He gave early breaks to now well-known comedians and actors including Jim Carrey, Tim Allen, Roseanne Barr, Jerry Seinfeld, and Sam Kinison.
The prince of one-liners, the legend Rodney Dangerfield, started his career with an unusual catchphrase, "I don't get no respect." Most of his jokes were based on this catchphrase derived from a discussion when he once overheard some guys while they were talking about respect. It was a light-bulb moment for him, and he caught on to it making some hilarious jokes about himself and the people in his life.
Even after his sad demise at the age of 83 in 2004, Rodney remains to be loved, respected, and honored by many as the best comedian of his time.

We are jotting down some of his gut-busting one-liners (we had a hard time laughing on them!), just for you!
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
A girl phoned me the other day and said "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I'm so ugly, one time I stuck my head out the window. The police charged me for mooning.
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid, there are so many places they can hide."
I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning I get up, look in the mirror and feel like throwing up; what's wrong with me?" He said "I don't know But your eyesight is perfect."
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
My old man was a workaholic: every time he thought about work, he got drunk.
I went to a massage parlor.. It was self-service. ..
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
*(Alka-Seltzer is an antacid and pain reliever.)
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was born.
With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.
No respect, I tell ya I don't get no respect! I went to the hardware store to buy some rat poison. The cashier says 'Do you want a bag, or are you gonna eat it here?'
I tell ya, when I was a kid I had it rough. Once on my birthday, my old man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.
What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.
From my wife, I don't get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. My wife lit it.
I tell ya with girls, I don't get no respect. I had a date with a girl, I waited two hours at the corner. A girl showed up. I said "Are you Louise?" She said, "Are you Rodney?" I said, "Yeah." She said, "I'm not Louise."
I tell ya, when I was a kid I got no respect. My parents got divorced. They had a custody fight over me. No one showed up.
I know I'm ugly. My dog found out we look alike. He killed himself.
I tell ya my old man was strict. He said, "No drinking in the house." I had two brothers who died of thirst.
Oh when I was a kid, I got no respect. I played hide and seek. They wouldn't even look for me.
I tell ya, when I was a kid I got no respect. My parents got divorced. They had a custody fight over me. No one showed up.
I know I'm ugly. I tell my doctor I want to get a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.I know I'm ugly. I tell my doctor I want to get a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.
I tell ya, when I was a kid, my old man never liked me. He took me to the zoo. He told me to go over to the leopard and play connect the dots.
When I was a kid, we were poor. We used to sleep six in one bed. I didn't know what it was like to sleep alone until I got married.
My wife is never nice. She won a trip for two to Las Vegas. She went twice.
I tell ya, my family. Most of them are drunks. When I was a kid, I got lost. They put my picture on a bottle of Scotch.
My doctor told me he'll have me on my feet in two weeks. He was right. I got his bill; I had to sell my car.
I asked my wife last night, "Were you faking it?" She said, "No, I was really sleeping."
What a childhood I had. When I took my first step, my old man tripped me.
My wife, she loves vacations. Last night she told me, "I wanna go someplace I've never been before." I took her to a men's room.
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.