News headlines are a big thing all around the world. The way a headline is put up can make or break the medium it comes through. Nevertheless, it’s something we all rely on to keep up with the happenings in the world.
It’s a mad, mad, mad world, and you can read ALL about it in the news. Here are some actual news headlines, where, shall we say, the reporters outdid themselves.
♦ Queen Mary having bottom scraped
♦ Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
♦ Squad helps dog bite victim
♦ Disney Stories Are Unfair On Mad People Says Doctor
♦ Turkey Votes for Christmas
♦ Panda mating fails – veterinarian takes over
♦ Vegetables Start Talking To Professor
♦ Race Cyclists Caught Speeding
♦ “Weirdos” Will Visit Cornwall
♦ Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
♦ Whatever Their Motives, Moms Who Kill Kids Still Shock Us
♦ Did Parrots Coexist With Dinosaurs?
♦ Tortoises Held Hostage As Lobster War Turns Nasty
♦ Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
♦ Woman From Mars Says Nothing
♦ Diaper Market Bottoms Out
♦ Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
♦ Prostitutes appeal to Pope
♦ Two One-Legged Inmates Skip Jail
♦ Steals Clock, Faces Time
♦ Water Missing In The Middle Of The Sea
♦ There Can Be No Excuse For Drinking While Under The Influence Of Alcohol
♦ Virgins Are Discovered In Essex
♦ We Think Rain Caused The Floods, Says Thames Water
♦ Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests
♦ Researchers Can See Thoughts
♦ Whale Flatulence Stuns Scientists
♦ Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
♦ U.S. Diplomat Expelled from Cuban Dog Club, Dog Stays
♦ Van In Pork Pie Ambush
♦ Divorce Is Like A Lonely Gerbil
♦ War Dims Hope for Peace
♦ Quarter Of A Million Chinese Live On Water
♦ VW Beetle Starts up After Being Buried for 10 Years
♦ Woman Accused Of Giving Bears Ice Cream
♦ Police Sing For Animals
♦ Tuna Biting Off Washington Coast
♦ Right To Die Advocate Found Dead
♦ Would She Climb To The Top Of Mr. Everest Again? Absolutely!
♦ Caribbean Bananas Are Ethical Bananas –UK Minister
♦ Tax Mooted For Flatulent Cows
♦ Under Pressure at Work? Get a Life
♦ Chinese Apeman Dated
♦ Rhode Island to Honor Mr. Potato Head
♦ Cocaine Use Hits New High
♦ Rattle To Lead Berlin Philharmonic
♦ Tarzan’s Loincloth Hid A Big Swinger
♦ Portable Toilet Bombed Police Have Nothing To Go On
♦ Magician’s Car Vanishes
♦ Thomas the Tank Engine Discovered Driving Taxi
♦ For Valentine’s Day, Try to Plan Your Spontaneity
♦ Unconscious Can ‘Think’ But Not About Popcorn
♦ Traffic Dead Rise Slowly
♦ Cancer Society Honors Marlboro Mann
♦ Floods Only Bring More Tears
♦ Chocolate Biscuit Bites Man In Midnight Snack Attack
♦ Few Britons Feel Death Had Lasting Effect On Them
♦ Collegians Are Turning To Vegetables
♦ Pit Bulls Love You, Really
♦ Fiji Village to Apologize for Eating English Missionary
♦ We’ve Rescued A Deer (We Found It In A Tree)
♦ Flying Bishop Pursued
♦ Belgian Man Saves Fish with Kiss of Life
♦ Man Eating Piranha Mistakenly Sold As Pet Fish
♦ Court Would Not Accept God Paid For TV License
♦ Top Terror Fugitive Hid from Police on Nudist Beach
♦ Jury Clears Cow in Car Accident
♦ Italian Plane Passengers See Flames, Vote to Land
♦ Janet Jackson Has Another, Um, Single Out
♦ Three Wise Men Refused Visas By Saudi Arabia
♦ Celibacy Could Make Priests Extinct
♦ Lesbian Cow Study Udderly Serious
♦ Man Fined For Quacking
♦ Fine Young Man Convicted Of Misdemeanor
♦ Llama Drama Ding-Dong
♦ Cattleman Grilled by Oprah’s Lawyers
♦ You Can’t Buy Love, but Euro Brings Cheaper Sex
♦ Expert: Ignorance May Worsen Situation
♦ Zoo Rescues Tom Thumb
♦ Save My Life And I’ll Sue You, Warned Suicide Note
♦ Humpty Dumpty Wins Award For Balance
♦ India’s Nuclear Yeti
♦ Great White Shark Battered To Death By Holidaymakers
♦ It’s Always Best To Avoid Killer Bee Hives
♦ National Slacker Day May Be Too Much Effort
♦ School Says Boy in Drag Can’t Be Queen
♦ Mrs. Corson’s Seat Up For Grabs
♦ Nine Yard Men Turn Supergrass
♦ Young Encouraged to Worship Bodies, Not Brains
♦ Spaniard Hits Girlfriend at Anti-Violence Rally
♦ Phantom Bus Didn’t Show
♦ Stephen King Impersonator Steals 5,000 Lobsters
♦ Bring Back The Bongs, Say Mps
♦ Old School Pillars Are Replaced By Alumni
♦ Family Frantic As Mother Is Stolen
♦ 20-Year Friendship Ends At Altar
♦ Oprah, Madonna Talk Marriage
♦ Officer Convicted Of Accepting Bride
♦ Nanny Calm As Troops Close In
♦ Lazy, Fat Dragons To Go On Crash Diet In Zoo
♦ Weber’s worldwide devotionals: Mount Joy minister encourages hurting people via the World Wide Web
♦ El Nino Blamed for Rise in Diarrhea in Peru
♦ Your Chance to Spend More Time in Public Toilets
♦ Greek Bars Close Early In Protest At Early Closure
♦ Oscar Proves God Is A Mexican
♦ Hooked on Internet? Help Is Just a Click Away
♦ Lack Of Brains Hinders Research
♦ Blue Skies Unless Its Cloudy
♦ We All Hope And Pray For Peach In Northern Ireland
♦ Doggie Perfume Sets Tails Wagging
♦ Ducks Banned From Duck Pond
♦ You Want To Be Buried on the Moon?
♦ Wanted: Suitable Position for Disoriented Indian Maharaja
Along with getting some message across, these surely gave the audience a smile on their faces.
