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The World According to the News Headlines - Bizarre But Funny

The World According to the News Headlines
News headlines are a big thing all around the world. The way a headline is put up can make or break the medium it comes through. Nevertheless, it's something we all rely on to keep up with the happenings in the world.
Sonal Panse
Last Updated: Jun 3, 2018
It's a mad, mad, mad world, and you can read ALL about it in the news. Here are some actual news headlines, where, shall we say, the reporters outdid themselves.
♦ Queen Mary having bottom scraped
♦ Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
♦ Squad helps dog bite victim
♦ Disney Stories Are Unfair On Mad People Says Doctor
♦ Turkey Votes for Christmas
♦ Panda mating fails - veterinarian takes over
♦ Vegetables Start Talking To Professor
♦ Race Cyclists Caught Speeding
♦ "Weirdos" Will Visit Cornwall
♦ Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
♦ Whatever Their Motives, Moms Who Kill Kids Still Shock Us
♦ Did Parrots Coexist With Dinosaurs?
♦ Tortoises Held Hostage As Lobster War Turns Nasty
♦ Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
♦ Woman From Mars Says Nothing
♦ Diaper Market Bottoms Out
♦ Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
♦ Prostitutes appeal to Pope
♦ Two One-Legged Inmates Skip Jail
♦ Steals Clock, Faces Time
♦ Water Missing In The Middle Of The Sea
♦ There Can Be No Excuse For Drinking While Under The Influence Of Alcohol
♦ Virgins Are Discovered In Essex
♦ We Think Rain Caused The Floods, Says Thames Water
♦ Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests
♦ Researchers Can See Thoughts
♦ Whale Flatulence Stuns Scientists
♦ Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
♦ U.S. Diplomat Expelled from Cuban Dog Club, Dog Stays
♦ Van In Pork Pie Ambush
♦ Divorce Is Like A Lonely Gerbil
♦ War Dims Hope for Peace
♦ Quarter Of A Million Chinese Live On Water
♦ VW Beetle Starts up After Being Buried for 10 Years
♦ Woman Accused Of Giving Bears Ice Cream
♦ Police Sing For Animals
♦ Tuna Biting Off Washington Coast
♦ Right To Die Advocate Found Dead
♦ Would She Climb To The Top Of Mr. Everest Again? Absolutely!
♦ Caribbean Bananas Are Ethical Bananas --UK Minister
♦ Tax Mooted For Flatulent Cows
♦ Under Pressure at Work? Get a Life
♦ Chinese Apeman Dated
♦ Rhode Island to Honor Mr. Potato Head
♦ Cocaine Use Hits New High
♦ Rattle To Lead Berlin Philharmonic
♦ Tarzan's Loincloth Hid A Big Swinger
♦ Portable Toilet Bombed Police Have Nothing To Go On
♦ Magician's Car Vanishes
♦ Thomas the Tank Engine Discovered Driving Taxi
♦ For Valentine's Day, Try to Plan Your Spontaneity
♦ Unconscious Can 'Think' But Not About Popcorn
♦ Traffic Dead Rise Slowly
♦ Cancer Society Honors Marlboro Mann
♦ Floods Only Bring More Tears
♦ Chocolate Biscuit Bites Man In Midnight Snack Attack
♦ Few Britons Feel Death Had Lasting Effect On Them
♦ Collegians Are Turning To Vegetables
♦ Pit Bulls Love You, Really
♦ Fiji Village to Apologize for Eating English Missionary
♦ We've Rescued A Deer (We Found It In A Tree)
♦ Flying Bishop Pursued
♦ Belgian Man Saves Fish with Kiss of Life
♦ Man Eating Piranha Mistakenly Sold As Pet Fish
♦ Court Would Not Accept God Paid For TV License
♦ Top Terror Fugitive Hid from Police on Nudist Beach
♦ Jury Clears Cow in Car Accident
♦ Italian Plane Passengers See Flames, Vote to Land
♦ Janet Jackson Has Another, Um, Single Out
♦ Three Wise Men Refused Visas By Saudi Arabia
♦ Celibacy Could Make Priests Extinct
♦ Lesbian Cow Study Udderly Serious
♦ Man Fined For Quacking
♦ Fine Young Man Convicted Of Misdemeanor
♦ Llama Drama Ding-Dong
♦ Cattleman Grilled by Oprah's Lawyers
♦ You Can't Buy Love, but Euro Brings Cheaper Sex
♦ Expert: Ignorance May Worsen Situation
♦ Zoo Rescues Tom Thumb
♦ Save My Life And I'll Sue You, Warned Suicide Note
♦ Humpty Dumpty Wins Award For Balance
♦ India's Nuclear Yeti
♦ Great White Shark Battered To Death By Holidaymakers
♦ It's Always Best To Avoid Killer Bee Hives
♦ National Slacker Day May Be Too Much Effort
♦ School Says Boy in Drag Can't Be Queen
♦ Mrs. Corson's Seat Up For Grabs
♦ Nine Yard Men Turn Supergrass
♦ Young Encouraged to Worship Bodies, Not Brains
♦ Spaniard Hits Girlfriend at Anti-Violence Rally
♦ Phantom Bus Didn't Show
♦ Stephen King Impersonator Steals 5,000 Lobsters
♦ Bring Back The Bongs, Say Mps
♦ Old School Pillars Are Replaced By Alumni
♦ Family Frantic As Mother Is Stolen
♦ 20-Year Friendship Ends At Altar
♦ Oprah, Madonna Talk Marriage
♦ Officer Convicted Of Accepting Bride
♦ Nanny Calm As Troops Close In
♦ Lazy, Fat Dragons To Go On Crash Diet In Zoo
♦ Weber's worldwide devotionals: Mount Joy minister encourages hurting people via the World Wide Web
♦ El Nino Blamed for Rise in Diarrhea in Peru
♦ Your Chance to Spend More Time in Public Toilets
♦ Greek Bars Close Early In Protest At Early Closure
♦ Oscar Proves God Is A Mexican
♦ Hooked on Internet? Help Is Just a Click Away
♦ Lack Of Brains Hinders Research
♦ Blue Skies Unless Its Cloudy
♦ We All Hope And Pray For Peach In Northern Ireland
♦ Doggie Perfume Sets Tails Wagging
♦ Ducks Banned From Duck Pond
♦ You Want To Be Buried on the Moon?
♦ Wanted: Suitable Position for Disoriented Indian Maharaja
Along with getting some message across, these surely gave the audience a smile on their faces.