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The World According to the News Headlines - Bizarre But Funny

The World According to the News Headlines
News headlines are a big thing all around the world. The way a headline is put up can make or break the medium it comes through. Nevertheless, it's something we all rely on to keep up with the happenings in the world.
Entertainism Staff
Last Updated: Jun 3, 2018
It's a mad, mad, mad world, and you can read ALL about it in the news. Here are some actual news headlines, where, shall we say, the reporters outdid themselves.
1. Queen Mary having bottom scraped
2. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
3. Squad helps dog bite victim
4. Disney Stories Are Unfair On Mad People Says Doctor
5. Turkey Votes for Christmas
6. Panda mating fails - veterinarian takes over
7. Vegetables Start Talking To Professor
8. Race Cyclists Caught Speeding
9. "Weirdos" Will Visit Cornwall
10. Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
11. Whatever Their Motives, Moms Who Kill Kids Still Shock Us
12. Did Parrots Coexist With Dinosaurs?
13. Tortoises Held Hostage As Lobster War Turns Nasty
14. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
15. Woman From Mars Says Nothing
16. Diaper Market Bottoms Out
17. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
18. Prostitutes appeal to Pope
19. Two One-Legged Inmates Skip Jail
20. Steals Clock, Faces Time
21. Water Missing In The Middle Of The Sea
22. There Can Be No Excuse For Drinking While Under The Influence Of Alcohol
23. Virgins Are Discovered In Essex
24. We Think Rain Caused The Floods, Says Thames Water
25. Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests
26. Researchers Can See Thoughts
28. Whale Flatulence Stuns Scientists
29. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
30. U.S. Diplomat Expelled from Cuban Dog Club, Dog Stays
31. Van In Pork Pie Ambush
32. Divorce Is Like A Lonely Gerbil
33. War Dims Hope for Peace
34. Quarter Of A Million Chinese Live On Water
35. VW Beetle Starts up After Being Buried for 10 Years
36. Woman Accused Of Giving Bears Ice Cream
37. Police Sing For Animals
38. Tuna Biting Off Washington Coast
39. Right To Die Advocate Found Dead
40. Would She Climb To The Top Of Mr. Everest Again? Absolutely!
41. Caribbean Bananas Are Ethical Bananas --UK Minister
42. Tax Mooted For Flatulent Cows
43. Under Pressure at Work? Get a Life
44. Chinese Apeman Dated
45. Rhode Island to Honor Mr. Potato Head
46. Cocaine Use Hits New High
47. Rattle To Lead Berlin Philharmonic
48. Tarzan's Loincloth Hid A Big Swinger
49. Portable Toilet Bombed Police Have Nothing To Go On
50. Magician's Car Vanishes
51. Thomas the Tank Engine Discovered Driving Taxi
52. For Valentine's Day, Try to Plan Your Spontaneity
53. Unconscious Can 'Think' But Not About Popcorn
54. Traffic Dead Rise Slowly
55. Cancer Society Honors Marlboro Mann
56. Floods Only Bring More Tears
57. Chocolate Biscuit Bites Man In Midnight Snack Attack
58. Few Britons Feel Death Had Lasting Effect On Them
59. Collegians Are Turning To Vegetables
60. Pit Bulls Love You, Really
61. Fiji Village to Apologize for Eating English Missionary
62. We've Rescued A Deer (We Found It In A Tree)
63. Flying Bishop Pursued
64. Belgian Man Saves Fish with Kiss of Life
65. Man Eating Piranha Mistakenly Sold As Pet Fish
66. Court Would Not Accept God Paid For TV License
67. Top Terror Fugitive Hid from Police on Nudist Beach
68. Jury Clears Cow in Car Accident
69. Italian Plane Passengers See Flames, Vote to Land
70. Janet Jackson Has Another, Um, Single Out
71. Three Wise Men Refused Visas By Saudi Arabia
72. Celibacy Could Make Priests Extinct
73. Lesbian Cow Study Udderly Serious
74. Man Fined For Quacking
75. Fine Young Man Convicted Of Misdemeanor
76. Llama Drama Ding-Dong
77. Cattleman Grilled by Oprah's Lawyers
78. You Can't Buy Love, but Euro Brings Cheaper Sex
79. Expert: Ignorance May Worsen Situation
80. Zoo Rescues Tom Thumb
81. Save My Life And I'll Sue You, Warned Suicide Note
82. Humpty Dumpty Wins Award For Balance
83. India's Nuclear Yeti
84. Great White Shark Battered To Death By Holidaymakers
85. It's Always Best To Avoid Killer Bee Hives
86. National Slacker Day May Be Too Much Effort
87. School Says Boy in Drag Can't Be Queen
88. Mrs. Corson's Seat Up For Grabs
89. Nine Yard Men Turn Supergrass
90. Young Encouraged to Worship Bodies, Not Brains
91. Spaniard Hits Girlfriend at Anti-Violence Rally
92. Phantom Bus Didn't Show
93. Stephen King Impersonator Steals 5,000 Lobsters
94. Bring Back The Bongs, Say Mps
95. Old School Pillars Are Replaced By Alumni
96. Family Frantic As Mother Is Stolen
97. 20-Year Friendship Ends At Altar
98. Oprah, Madonna Talk Marriage
99. Officer Convicted Of Accepting Bride
100. Nanny Calm As Troops Close In
101. Lazy, Fat Dragons To Go On Crash Diet In Zoo
102. Weber's worldwide devotionals: Mount Joy minister encourages hurting people via the World Wide Web
103. El Nino Blamed for Rise in Diarrhea in Peru
104. Your Chance to Spend More Time in Public Toilets
105. Greek Bars Close Early In Protest At Early Closure
106. Oscar Proves God Is A Mexican
107. Hooked on Internet? Help Is Just a Click Away
108. Lack Of Brains Hinders Research
109. Blue Skies Unless Its Cloudy
110. We All Hope And Pray For Peach In Northern Ireland
111. Doggie Perfume Sets Tails Wagging
112. Ducks Banned From Duck Pond
113. You Want To Be Buried on the Moon?
114. Wanted: Suitable Position for Disoriented Indian Maharaja
Along with getting some message across, these surely gave the audience a smile on their faces.