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Funny Monologues That'll Surely Have the Audience in Splits

Monologues for Women
A monologue, (where mono-"alone, solitary" and logos-"speech") is a speech presented by a single character, most often to express their mental thoughts aloud, though sometimes also to directly address another character or the audience.
Rujuta Borkar
Last Updated: Jun 3, 2018
"A conversation is a dialog, not a monologue. That's why there are so few good conversations: due to scarcity, two intelligent talkers seldom meet."
― Truman Capote
A monologue is a form of speech used to describe a situation wherein a character gives a speech all by himself/herself without being interrupted by any other character's speech or dialogs. This speech need not necessarily be said out loud to an audience, but could also be his/her internal thought process. Depending on the situation in which the speech is given, different names are allotted to the same, like soliloquy, for instance.
Monologues are important for people who want to showcase their talent as actors. In this article, we will be concentrating on monologues for women. Since a monologue is delivered by an individual, there is complete scope for her to exhibit her acting skills and get noticed. That's why, picking the right kind of monologue becomes crucial. Refer to the article that follows and take your pick from among the monologues that are listed below.

Comedic Monologues
Boy is it tough to get one's comic timing right. Not an easy task at all. But then a comic act is something that has such a wide fan following that it gets one noticed very easily. Here are some funny monologues that you can choose from.
Confessions of a Shopaholic
In this 2001 novel, Becky Bloomwood, the protagonist is shown as a girl obsessed with shopping. One who borders on an obsessive compulsive disorder, almost. Neglecting everything around for its sake―friends, family, her job, and responsibilities. It makes for a very quirky character to say the least. The novel was turned into a major motion picture in the year 2009.

The following confessions of a shopaholic monologue is given by Rebecca Bloomwood to explain the hypocrisy and incompetence of the Flagstaff Life Bank.

Let's ... suppose I'm in a clothes shop! I'm in a clothes shop and I've chosen a wonderful cashmere Nicole Farhi coat. Okay? Okay, so imagine I'm standing in the checkout queue, minding my own business, when a sales assistant comes up to me and says, "Why not buy this other coat instead? It's better quality-and I'll throw in a free bottle of perfume." I've got no reason to distrust the sales assistant, so I think, wonderful, and I buy the other coat. But when I get outside, I discover that this other coat isn't Nicole Farhi and isn't real cashmere. I go back in-and the shop won't give me a refund. I was ripped off. And the point is, so were thousands of Flagstaff Life customers. They were persuaded out of their original choice of investment, into a fund which left them £20,000 worse off. Perhaps Flagstaff Life didn't break the law. Perhaps they didn't contravene any regulations. But there's a natural justice in this world, and they didn't just break that, they shattered it. Those customers deserved that windfall. They were loyal, long-standing customers and they deserved it. And if you're honest, Luke Brandon, you know they deserved it.
While You Were Sleeping
This romantic comedy that released in the year 1995 is one of my personal favorites. The protagonist Lucy Moderatz is an orphan who gets herself in a situation that leads people to believe she's engaged to be married to a man she has never even spoken to.

The following monologue is given by Lucy when she goes to meet Peter at the hospital. He's in a coma and this is her monologue for him.

I bet you were wondering what I'm doing here in the middle of the night. Well, I thought I should introduce myself. My name is Lucy. Lucy Elenore Moderatz. Umm ... I think you should know that your family thinks we're engaged. I've never been engaged before. This is very sudden for me. Umm, what I really came here to tell was that I didn't mean for this to happen. I don't know what to do. If you were awake, I wouldn't be in this mess. Oh God, not that I'm blaming you. I'm sorry. It's just that when I was a kid, I always imagined what I would be like or what I would have when I got older. And you know, it was normal stuff. I'd have a house and a family and things like that. It's not that I'm complaining or anything, because I do have a cat. I have an apartment. I have the sole possession of a remote control. That's very important. It's just that I've never met anybody that I could laugh with. Do you believe in love at first sight? I bet you don't. You're probably too sensible for that. Or have you ever seen somebody and you know that if that person really knew you, they'd dump the perfect model that they were with and realize that you were the one that they wanted to grow old with? Have you ever fallen in love with somebody that you haven't even talked to? Have you ever been so alone that you spend the night confusing a man in a coma?
▣ Romantic Monologues
There are usually moments guaranteed in romantic comedies that promise a monologue sometime during the film. The unique feature about these is that, while they have the romantic theme running in the background, the speech comes from a deep, emotional depth―meaning that there's a lot of scope for showing one's acting talents through these romantic comedy monologues.
The Notebook
After all those years of being separated by fate, Allie is torn between her love of the past and the man she's engaged to. This monologue has her reminiscing about her past and the love she once had.

Do you remember sneaking over here the first time you told me about this place? I got home late that evening, and my parents were furious when I finally came in. I can still picture my daddy standing in the living room, my mother on the sofa, staring straight ahead. I swear, they looked as if a family member had died. That was the first time my parents knew I was serious about you, and my mother had a long talk with me later that night. She said to me, "Sometimes, our future is dictated by who we are, not what we want." And I know it was wrong of her to keep your letters from me, but just try to understand. Once we left, she probably thought it would be easier for me to just let go. In her mind, she was trying to protect my feelings, and she probably thought the best way to do that was to hide the letters you sent. Not that any of it matters, now that I have Lon. He's handsome, charming, successful. He's kind to me, he makes me laugh, and I know he loves me in his own special way ... but there's always going to be something missing in our relationship―the kind of love we had that summer.
10 Things I Hate About You
This 1999 romantic comedy had a rebel couple in the fighting. This monologue shows how the walls finally fall and how love shines through.

I hate the way you talk to me. And the way you cut your hair. I hate the way you drive my car. I hate it when you stare. I hate your big dumb combat boots. And the way you read my mind. I hate you so much it makes me sick―it even makes me rhyme. I hate the way you're always right. I hate it when you lie. I hate it when you make me laugh―even worse when you make me cry. I hate it that you're not around. And the fact that you didn't call. But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you―not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.
▣ Dramatic Monologues
Drama does not necessarily mean over-the-top. Drama could be used just as wisely for conveying a message about something more serious and making a comment about a flaw in society. Here are some of the dramatic monologues that you can use.
Irreconcilable Differences
This monologue strikes a chord because it seems rather simple, but as you come to the end of it, you realize just how deep it is. The things that are being conveyed are grave things said in the most simple terms.

I'm just a kid, and I don't know what I'm doing sometimes. But I think you should know better when you're all grown up. I think you should know how to act, and how to treat people. And I think if you once loved someone enough to marry them, you should at least be nice to them, even if you don't love 'em any more. And I think if you have a child, you should treat that child like a human being and not like a pet. Not like you treat your dog or somethin'. You know, when you have a dog sometimes you forget he's there, and then when you get lonely suddenly you remember him, and you remember how cute he is and stuff, and you kiss him a lot, but then the next day when you're busy again you don't notice him. That's how I've been treated for the past four years, and you don't treat your kid like your dog. It's not right.
Million Dollar Baby
This monologue gives us an insight into human nature and psychology―of how one fights through the downs of society to achieve something, and the fear one feels when the fame is threatened to be taken away.

I can't be like this, Frankie. Not after what I've done. I've seen the world. People chanted my name. Well, not my name, some damn name you gave me. But they were chanting for me. I was in magazines. You think I ever dreamed that'd happen? I was born at two pounds, one-and-a-half ounces. Daddy used to tell me I fought into this world, and I'd fight my way out. That's all I wanna do, Frankie. I just don't wanna fight you to do it. I got what I needed. I got it all. Don't let 'em keep taking it away from me. Don't let me lie here 'till I can't hear those people chanting no more.
Never Been Kissed
This film, though a romantic comedy, makes for a great comment on society and other relations. Through the character of Josie Gellar, who gets a chance to re-live her high school terms all over again, there is a distinct statement made on issues like peer pressure and groupism.

The following is a prom monologue given by Josie Gellar at the high school prom in a way to stand up for her friend and discard all that is wrong.

Let me tell you something, I don't care about being your stupid prom queen. I'm 25 years old. I'm an undercover reporter for the Chicago Sun Times and I've been beating my brains out trying to impress you people. Let me tell you something Gibby, Kirsten, Kristin, you will spend your lives trying to keep others down because it makes you feel more important. Why her? Let me tell you about this girl she is unbelievable. I was new here and she befriended me, no questions asked. But you, you were only my friend after my brother, Rob, posed as a student and told you to like me. All of you people, there is a big world out there ... bigger than prom, bigger than high school and it won't matter if you were the prom queen, the quarterback of the football team, or the biggest nerd in school. Find out who you are and try not to be afraid of it.
Under Her Spell

This one's a little different. It's written by Ava Lindt and talks about Anna, a girl who's just realized that the person she loves, loves someone else―her old best friend. I chose to share this monologue because I think it has the scope to bring out the feelings of pain and hurt all in one. Try to see if you get what I'm saying through the following monologue.

Today I felt beautiful. Not the kind of all-knowing beautiful, just beautiful like they say in the movies and in our dreams. When the guy is sitting at the bar talking to some other scum and saying, "She's so beautiful." This is how I felt. I don't know what beauty is. I never really have gotten the lure of a girl with the crazy green eyes and reddish dyed hair. I always thought it was just because she was pretty. And everyone with a platonic brain over their necks for her knew that. But she was mad and mean. And she held nothing of value for me except the scattered words in her poems.

There was something there though. And I don't know if he sees that something or if he's another one of those guys that sees her and wants to die with lust. I don't know these things. But I sit here trying to think all philosophically about it when I know that I am just another one of those people that can fall under spells. Like the rest of them. Fall under the spells of the starry eyes and then you forget that those people have no conscience. They've been built up with big egos to look in mirrors and make themselves out to be fishes. And her. With her roses and raves and vegan food. I don't know. These things don't mean anything in the scheme of things. She needs to be untouchable. Like some face on a Versace advertisement. Like some girl on the cover of Teen. Mysterious, but you know the story behind her. Beauty. My mind is mixed up. Sometimes I wonder how people like him can be in love with people like her. How we're all obsessed with beauty. We're all obsessed with trying. But she's the girl who can wake up and still look gorgeous. She's the girl who tried so hard to get where she is and she's still failing with anything and everything else but her looks. And I can see that. He can't.

These examples and excerpts of monologues for women will hopefully suffice in providing you with what you're looking for. Choose a good one and go break a leg.